The Mortuary Monster by Andrew J. Stone

Author:Andrew J. Stone
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: StrangeHouse Books
Published: 2016-11-06T07:00:00+00:00

Etiquette

It’s eight in the morning, and the table is set for dinner when Gonzalo, now nine, enters the kitchen. His mother welcomes him and says the time has come for his first day of etiquette class. Gonzalo just nods his head, hoping break will come sooner than usual. He tries to ignore his mother, who is now asking him if he were to ever come to dinner and find this table arrangement, what would be the first appropriate action?

“Pull out a chair and sit down?” Gonzalo says.

“Wrong!” A paddle cuts through the air and catches Gonzalo on the side of his head. “If you were to find this setup the first course of action would be to throw the spoons, knives, and forks onto the ground, quickly followed by the napkin and water glass. Keep the wine glass.”

Gonzalo rubs the sting off his cheek. “Why do I have to throw everything on the floor?”

“Because, Gonzalo,” his mother instructs, “eating with utensils is unnatural. It’s something people do because they feel pressured into having good manners. Here we don’t believe in belittling ourselves and our desires just to please others. So we replace good manners with good etiquette. Understand?”

Gonzalo nods his head as his mother takes a step back and presents her arms toward the table. The boy stops rubbing his cheek and steps forward. With an absence of ardor, Gonzalo tosses the utensils, the napkin and the water glass behind him.

“Very good,” the teacher says, hitting her left hand with the paddle as if she were hitting her fist against her palm. “What’s next?”

“Start eating?” Gonzalo says.

“Correct,” the mother says. “But how do you eat?”

“With bare hands.”

“And?” she says, drool drenching her chin as she anticipates the next strike of the paddle.

“And,” Gonzalo says, trying to find an answer as he looks at the slice of coffin wood moving in his mother’s hands. His face is still sore from the first slap, and he has to resist the urge to rub his cheek. He pictures the paddle making contact again, sees blood pouring out of his mouth onto his fingers. Blood on his fingers, and then his mind clicks. “And once I eat the meat I lick the blood and juice from my fingers.”

“Wrong,” she says, her paddle purpling the pupil’s face. “After eating you chew with your mouth open, making clapping and suctioning sounds, like this.” She pulls a pile of raw meat from the front pocket of her pants and shovels it into her mouth to demonstrate. “And once you have swallowed the food, then you lick your fingers clean of the juices and blood. Understand?”

“Got it,” Gonzalo says, surprised that he is still unable to taste blood in his mouth.

“And the last lesson we will cover today is the most important of all,” his mother continues. “It’s time for me to teach you how to clear a table.”

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